All The Items For Sale At The Overwatch League Gift Shop, Ranked [UPDATE]

Illustration for article titled All The Items For Sale At The iOverwatch /iLeague Gift Shop, Ranked [UPDATE]

Blizzard’s arena in Los Angeles, California is the real deal. And by that, I mean it has a gift shop, the surest marker of any worth-its-salt sporting enterprise. I have investigated the gift shop; here is a definitive ranking of the items for sale in it, from worst to best.

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[This post originally ran on 1/11/18. Update 4/5/18: After another visit to the Blizzard arena, added new items in the 19, 13, 10, 7, and 3 slots.]

Illustration for article titled All The Items For Sale At The iOverwatch /iLeague Gift Shop, Ranked [UPDATE]
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24. Gray Overwatch League inaugural season shirt

Yep, that sure is a shirt.

Illustration for article titled All The Items For Sale At The iOverwatch /iLeague Gift Shop, Ranked [UPDATE]

23. Team-name-emblazoned lanyards

These sure will look good in whatever drawer I toss them into when I realize, five minutes after buying them, that I’ll never use them.

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Illustration for article titled All The Items For Sale At The iOverwatch /iLeague Gift Shop, Ranked [UPDATE]

22. “Glass water bottle” in a box

This might’ve been ranked higher had I been able to see the water bottle, but as is, I don’t really know what I’m working with here.

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Illustration for article titled All The Items For Sale At The iOverwatch /iLeague Gift Shop, Ranked [UPDATE]

21. Plastic Overwatch cups

Have you ever walked through a room, been told that something was in that room, and realized you have zero recollection of it because that object was so nondescript as to essentially render itself invisible?

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Illustration for article titled All The Items For Sale At The iOverwatch /iLeague Gift Shop, Ranked [UPDATE]

20. Overwatch Funko Pop figurines

Absolutely not, even though there’s basically no other Pharah merchandise in the store.

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The D.Va one is kinda cute, though.

Illustration for article titled All The Items For Sale At The iOverwatch /iLeague Gift Shop, Ranked [UPDATE]
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19. Overwatch calendar

Figure out what month it is! With the help of Tracer, a being trapped outside of time!

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Illustration for article titled All The Items For Sale At The iOverwatch /iLeague Gift Shop, Ranked [UPDATE]

18. Team stickers?

I’m not 100 percent sure what these are. They look fine.

Illustration for article titled All The Items For Sale At The iOverwatch /iLeague Gift Shop, Ranked [UPDATE]
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17. Team key chains

Elaborate keychains are bad. Hardly anyone aside from you ever sees them, and they make your keys heavier and your pockets bulgier. The Overwatch League ones look kinda cool, but I’ll keep my keys naked and free, thanks.

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16. Team pins

Everybody likes pins, and some of the team logos are alright. I’m not even a big fan of Florida Mayhem, but their logo is a visual design masterpiece. I’d wear it on that merit alone and say to passersby, “YES, BUT DO YOU REALIZE THAT THE BOMB FUSE IS ALSO A PALM TREE.”

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Illustration for article titled All The Items For Sale At The iOverwatch /iLeague Gift Shop, Ranked [UPDATE]

15. Team Hats

These are all fine.

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14. Team Jerseys

These are mostly alright, though I think some of the color schemes work better in this format than others. Also, the Jack In The Box logo on the Dallas Fuel jersey looks like a giant, angry pimple on your chest, and I just remembered that I’m not Kevin Smith, so I would probably never wear these outside of events.

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Illustration for article titled All The Items For Sale At The iOverwatch /iLeague Gift Shop, Ranked [UPDATE]

13. Golden Soldier 76

He’s small! He’s gold! He still doesn’t do a ton for me as a character!

Illustration for article titled All The Items For Sale At The iOverwatch /iLeague Gift Shop, Ranked [UPDATE]
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12. Ganymede plush

I want to hug it, but it also feels kinda weird that I’ll have to bust open Bastion’s head to free it from its cardboard prison.

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Illustration for article titled All The Items For Sale At The iOverwatch /iLeague Gift Shop, Ranked [UPDATE]

11. Overwatch League jacket

The logo takes up too much real estate, and the coloration means you’ll look like Naruto’s evil twin if you wear it, but otherwise it seems like an alright jacket.

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Illustration for article titled All The Items For Sale At The iOverwatch /iLeague Gift Shop, Ranked [UPDATE]

10. Limited edition “Join Overwatch” posters

These are neat-looking, but that alone is not what got them into the rarefied air of this extremely silly and largely pointless list’s top ten. No, that would be the backstory preceding them. One of the employees working the store told me that they just found these posters (from an event that took place a year ago) lying around and decided to sell them. “The question you should be asking is not ‘why?’” say the cruel and inexorable forces of capitalism. “But rather, why not?”

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9. Black Overwatch League hoodie

Less gaudy than the jacket. Better logo, too. I might actually wear this.

Illustration for article titled All The Items For Sale At The iOverwatch /iLeague Gift Shop, Ranked [UPDATE]
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8. Reaper statue

A very nice statue of Reaper that probably costs multiple hundreds of dollars. I dig it, but not at that price.

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Illustration for article titled All The Items For Sale At The iOverwatch /iLeague Gift Shop, Ranked [UPDATE]

7. Widowmaker statue

Simple and sleek. I like it.

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6. Stealth Sombra

I don’t even play much Sombra, but this mini-figure is good as hell.

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5. Tracer statue

It’s Tracer! She appears to be going fast, but, as a statue, is also forever constrained by the cruel shackles of time. A good metaphor for Tracer’s character, actually.

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Illustration for article titled All The Items For Sale At The iOverwatch /iLeague Gift Shop, Ranked [UPDATE]

4. D.Va statue

This thing is massive—around twice the size of the other statues—and nicely detailed. I would like to own this, but I’m not a wealthy man, and my apartment probably isn’t worthy anyway.

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Illustration for article titled All The Items For Sale At The iOverwatch /iLeague Gift Shop, Ranked [UPDATE]

3. Pachimari plush

This shouldn’t be so high-ranked, but I can’t say no to that face.

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2. Tiny Bastion

They made Bastion so cute that I don’t hate him anymore! An accomplishment.

Illustration for article titled All The Items For Sale At The iOverwatch /iLeague Gift Shop, Ranked [UPDATE]
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1. Genji with anatomically correct butt

How can they put this in a store? It belongs in an art gallery.

Compete is Deadspin and Kotaku’s joint site dedicated to competitive gaming.

Kotaku senior reporter. Beats: Twitch, streaming, PC gaming. Writing a book about streamers tentatively titled "STREAMERS" to be published by Atria/Simon & Schuster in the future.

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DISCUSSION

errolstaffordd
errolstaffordd

Still waiting for this amazing jersey to be available.
I know Blizzard said it will never be for sale, but I can hope.